The Twisted Life of Lily Evans
by messers.padfoot.and.prongs
Summary: Welcome, unsuspecting readears, to the unorthodox and 'wtf' life of Lily Evans, Muggleborn RedHead, accompanied by her annoying and untrusty stalker, James KJKLFJIOJUIADSFHDJ Potter
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, like what every other fanfiction says ahem;**

'**We don't own Harry Potter, J.K Rowling does'**

**WELL NEWAYZZZ… here's our story and we hope you ppl like it**

**--**

"Bye, Lily!!" She heard her father yell.

"Ok, dad do we have to go through this again?" Lily questioned her father. "This is the 32nd time u said 'bye' since we walked into that station. I get it."

"Never mind that now. We have more important matters to discuss!" Mr. Evans told his daughter, "We need to get you a boyfriend. I know it's a very hard task with hair like yours but we have to try!! You wanna know why? I WANT TO HAVE GRANDCHILDREN THAT DON'T LOOK LIKE PIGS WITH WIGS ON THEIR HEADS!!"

"DAD! People are starting to stare." Said lily "and I have to go now BYE!!"

"I'M GOING TO MISS YOU MY DAUGHTER AND I'M SURE YOURE GOING TO MISS YOUR HUNKY DAD!!" he suddenly started crying actually more like wailing. "AWWWWW COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HUG LILY!!" said Mr. Evans while pulling his daughter into a bone crushing hug.

"NO DAD, I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!! Love ya BYEEE!!" she said as she darted away from her dad and ran straight through the barrier, when she got through she felt something squishy under her

"OHH GOD! Sirius what the hell are you doing?!"

"OHHH LILY DEAR!" he said sitting up, "shhhh I'm dead, God people can't get that through their head, I swear!"

"Anyways Sirius" she said rolling her eyes, "it's almost time for the train to leave."

They both set off for the train.

Meanwhile back in the muggle world…

"OH ROSALIE IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE DOING TO ME!! ONE OF THEM MARRIED A WALRUS AND THE OTHER ONE IS GOING AWAY AND LEAVING ME ALL ALONEEEE!!" He then took out a picture of his dead wife and started talking to it while sobbing. "AND THAT'S NOT ALL!! PETUNIA WENT AND HAD A KID THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIGGGG!! WHY AM I CURSED? WHAT DID I EVER DO WRONG AND NOW LILY LEFT ME TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!!" Then he started choking on his sobs.

Back to platform 9 ¾ …

Lily and Sirius locked a compartment door and sat down. "Sooo…. Sirius, what did you want?" she asked

"Lily, if you help me, I'll help you," Sirius said like he was the leader in the mafia. "You're the head girl right?" she nodded. "I know the head boy, and no it's not moony. If I tell you, you have to help me with something."

"What is it?" she inquired, "and please, STOP with the Italian mafia accent."

"Fineeee, I'll stop, newayz lily hun, before I tell you. We have to do the finger swear." Said Sirius

"Finger swear?" she snorted. "You mean pinky swear."

"NO! It's finger swear, he said menacingly.

"Fine, Fine whateves, how do we do it?" asked lily

"You don't know how to do the finger swear??" asked Sirius in horror. "Oh. Wait. I forgot. You're a GIRL!! Only girls wouldn't know what a finger swear is." said Sirius.

"So. Are you saying girls are stupid?" asked lily threateningly.

"WHAT?! NO! Of course not! Girls are smart. They're smarter than guys. Guys are stupid. Why would you even think I said that?" asked Sirius once he heard the threat in lily's voice.

"I thought so. Alright then. What did you need help with siri-poo?" asked lily sweetly.

"I need your help. I need you to help me get a girl." said Sirius.

"A girl?" asked lily asked dumbstruck.

"uh-huh, a girl." Answered Sirius.

"But I thought you don't need my help and that you could use your 'charm, handsomeness, good looks and amazing hair' to get all the girls you want and besides, I thought you were a player." Said lily.

"Oh. But I can get any girl I want with the things you just listed but my playing days are over." Said Sirius with pride. "And I finally ended my time with girlfriend # 554. I think she should be happy… but if only I could remember her name." said Sirius.

At that moment, a girl with seriously Sirius-endorsed curves walked by the compartment. "I want that girl." Said Sirius.

"Sirius, you already dated her remember? She's the one with the weird obsession with armpits." Sighed lily.

"Oh yeah… we were snogging and she randomly liked my underarm. It was NASTY." said Sirius

"Then who is it?" lily asked exhaustedly

"Okay, there's this foreign exchange student coming from beauxbatons," Sirius said with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"And how do you know this?" as soon as she asked that Sirius had that mad glint in his eyes and opened his mouth wide, "NO! I don't even want to hear it."

"Fineeeeeeeeee... it was a real hoot."

"A hoot?"

"No, seriously a hoot."

"GODDAMINT LILY YES A HOOT" he screeched "I read that in a muggle book, junie BB Junes," he said proudly might I add.

"You mean Junie B Jones."

"Whatever. What were we talking about?" he asked with a confused expression.

"The beauxbatons chick," Lily replied with a dull look.

"Ok! Sooo… can you help me?"

"Sirius, let me explain something to you alright?" asked lily

"What is it? Is it about how your gonna help me get the girl?" asked Sirius hopefully "because I have nooooooooo idea how to get her!"

"I. don't. Know. Anything. About. French. Girls. Understand?" asked lily

"But your LILY EVANS! You know everything! How could you not know something? Wait! Don't tell me. It's the end of the world isn't it? We're all going to die?!" exclaimed Sirius in shock "NOOOOOO!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! IM TOO YOUNG AND HOT TO DIE!!" said Sirius who is currently in hysterics and is bawling his eyes out.

"IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD YOU DIPWAD!!" Lily screeched. Lucy for her she put a charm on the compartment. "Look Sirius, I might not know everything, but this does." She said as she went through her trunk till she found a new knapsack.

"Sirius, there are many hazardous things in here, I don't want you to put anything in your mouth." She said sternly as though she was talking to a three year old.

She then took out what appeared to be a laptop. "Ooooooh. What is that?" asked Sirius in fascination. " It's called a laptop." Answered lily, "It's a muggle electronic muggle device that will help me help you." She said as she began typing something.

"WOW!!" Sirius said clearly still fascinated. "Can I try? And can it really help me get that girl? Can I?? Can it?? Can I?? Can it??" asked Sirius while jumping up and down on his seat. He then proceeded to try and yank the laptop out of lily's hands. Once he succeeded, he started clicking random keys at a furious speed.

"SIRIUS BLACK!! YOU WILL PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT!!" screeched lily while taking the laptop roughly from Sirius's hands. "If you don't start behaving yourself then I won't help you get the girl anymore." Said lily in a threatening voice.

"NOOOOOO!! IM SORRY LILY I TRULY AM!! JUST PLEASE. PLEASE HELP MEEEEEEE!!" cried Sirius with lots of emotion.

"Wow. I never thought I'd see the day where Sirius Black I s begging." Remarked Remus Lupin dryly.

"REMUSSS!!" screamed lily and gave him a hug. Remus was lily's favorite marauder. He was smart, good looking, but most of all was he had common sense. Which is what the others lacked.

"Lily! Is that a laptop?!" he asked excitedly. The boy was CRAZY about technology ever since he took it in muggle studies last year. At least he wasn't obsessive like Arthur Weasley. "Ummm… Lily, you're the head girl right?" she nodded. "The meeting is about to start."

"SHIT! Wait Remus. Where's your badge?" she asked thoughtfully.

"Um... I'm not head boy." He said matter-of- factly.

"Who is then?" She inquired.

"OH your in for a surprise," he said winking.

"Well, we'll do the research later Sirius," she turned around to see Sirius with tears in his eyes. "What's wrong?" she asked bewildered "I said we'd do the research later."

"It's not that," he started sobbing, "It's just that you've grown up so fast, I remember the first time we met in this same compartment."

"Awww…Sirius that's so sweet!"

Lily and Sirius had always been friends but not so close, she hated that fact that he and Potter were best friends. Lily and James weren't what you would call the best of chums.

The compartment door slid open, and she heard a familiar voice, "Lily Evans meet you new head boy slash hot quidditch captain slash room mate slash future husband slash father of our son, well I always wanted to have a son named Harry where was I oh yea slash date to the next hogsmeade slash..." thats when Lily relized. That's voice belonged to the one and only James Potter.

And that is when…..she fainted.

**--**

**OK PPLZ!! It's really short cuz we (Padfoot, and prongs) have some stupid business test and 2 projects. Well anywhooo we're gonna put another chapter pretty soon. AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!! And if your a hater, just leave.**

**AND YES JAMES IS COMING IN THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER! And that this is the chapter Sirius discovers technology**

**BTW padfoot and prongs are VERY different people but with padfoot's psycopathness and prongs's weirdness, we shall make a kick-butt story!! The other thing is that we might get help from a VERY good friend of ours so it might be in 3 different writing styles so yeah. Whatever.**


	2. Chapter 2

Now we shall go back to Lily Evans innocent looking

Now we shall go back to Lily Evans innocent looking. BUT beware, for we do not know the horrible things that are happening in there,

-FLASHBACK-

There she was young Lily Evans hair red as ever walking down the train station running away from her psychopathic father while he was ranting abut Petunias bad taste in men.

"BYE DAD," and that is when she ran into the barrier.

As Lily was walking down the trains corridor she found a compartment with one boy sitting in there he had brown hair and chocolate brown eyes and was apparently reading _The Merchant of Venice_ by William Shakespeare.

"Erm….can I sit here?" she asked.

"Sure go ahead, I'm Remus Lupin by the way," he said.

"Lily-"

As soon as Lily was about to reply to boys ran into the corridor and locked it. The were both red in the face and were sweating, "DUDE THAT WAS AWESOME!" yelled the one with long shiny black hair (his hair isn't really long it's kinda like mid neck length long).

"THAT WAS! HIGH FIVE," yelled one with crazy black hair and hazel eyes. "And you are beautiful."

"Umm..dude yeah I know, are you like homosexual or something?" asked long haired boy with a freaked out look.

"Not you stupid….her" he said staring at Lily with glazed eyes. "Will you go out with me?"

"ummm..no?" Lily said with the same expression as the long haired boy earlier.

"Are you mental or something?" The long haired boy asked.

"No I'm just in love," he said casting a dreamy look.

"Okkkk…akward..moving on," said the long haired boy, "my name is Siruis Black, and…..can I touch you hair?"

"Umm..sure I'm Lily Evans"

"James Potter," said the black haired boy staring at her adoringly.

"Remus Lupin," said the queit bo.

"HOLY! Are you done feeling my hair?!"

"uh-huh very rich, flows easily and it's so shiny, what type of conditioner do you use?" he asked curiously.

"Pantene Pro-V" she noticed his clueless look, "it's a muggle type, if you want a bottle I can give you one."

"YAY!" he shrieked jumping up and down, screaming like a girl.

"Are you gay?" Lily questioned.

"WHAT?!ME?! THE SIRUS BLACK GAY? Are you out of your mind?" screeched Sirius hysterically. "I AM GOING TO BE THE **BIGGEST **player there ever was & and here you are questioning me," said Sirius with disgust.

"Ok…so Lily do you want to go on a date with me?" Asked James hopefully his eyes big shining with excitement and hope.

"Umm..no" said Lily turning to Remus, "so what kind of books do you like? And do you think Hogwarts is going to be fun cause I wanted to ask someone but I didn't know anyone from magical world and I was hoping to find someone to talk to and COULD

YOU GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY HAIR?" yelled Lily.

"COULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?" begged James.

"COULD I HAVE A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR?" screamed Sirius.

"COULD YOU ALL SHUT UP? MERLIN" exclaimed Remus.

"Why am I still here?" asked Lily. She picked up her things, flung her hair so it hit Sirius's cheek, and slammed the door shut. As soon as she left, a million girls rushed up to her, touching her hair and smelling her.

"Erm….what are you doing?" asked a lost Lily.

"How was it?" asked a girl with shitloads of acne.

"Being in their presence? How did it feel? How did it smell? Feel? Sound?" asked a hideous bleached blonde.

"Umm..excuse me?" asked Lily.

"Being in the presence of the marauders?" asked a hideous blonde resembling a hippo.

"No, not really they're annoying, rude, and they are psychopathic and they made me look like pipi longstocking!" Lily said.

"You..me….I…HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?" Screeched the blond, "THEY ARE THE MOST AMAZING GUYS EVER!!" you will pay for saying that!" screeched the girl, "GET HER!!" She yelled while chasing after Lily who was starting to edge away when the girl started her speech.

"AHHHHH!!" Lily screamed for when she looked over her shoulder she saw 50 girls chasing her. Just as they were about to jump her, a great, slimy hand reached out of a compartment, and grabbed her in. The door slammed shut, and the stampede of girls ran by. Lily turned to her saviour, and took in his eccentric presence with really wide eyes.

He had a sallow, pallid face, with a protuberant hook nose and a long, greasy, tangled, mane of black hair. He wore a really tacky smock and pinstripe pants that were way to small, on his feet there were thick, black & gray mismatched socks with open toed sandals; topped with a huge raincoat. He was looking at Lily with the same expression.

"Your hair looks like you have a tomato on your head," said the boy, "my name is Snape by the way Severus Snape."

Lily was hurt by his observation. "yeah? Well your hair looks like you walked into a exploding oil factory."

"NO! I didn't mean it that way, I jst meant you have the reddest hair I've ever seen!" exclaimed Severus.

"Oh, well in that case you have the most…uh…slickest hair I've ever seen," smiled Lily, "my name is Lily Evans."

"Good to know, how old are you?" he asked.

"I'm eleven. First year here..and you?" she questioned.

"Same. I'm going to be in Slytherin. Which house are you gonna be in?" asked Severus.

"House?" asked a bewildered Lily.

"yea..you know Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw.." said Severus matter of factly.

"I am lost." She said.

"how can you not know about them?! Even Pettigrew knows!" exclaimed Severus, "unless you're a muggle born, am I right?" he asked.

"I am afraid your gonna hafta speak non-magical with me.. I'm the only witch in the family, you see," explained Lily, looking apologetic.

"Oh! So you're muggle born!" said Severus.

"Yes, I suppose I am, does it make a difference?"

"No, it doesn't matter," said Severus with a hard look on his face, "So… why were you running away from that pack of wild girls?"

Lily told Severus about the queer warts she had unfortunately encountered earlier. She was pleased to find out that her new buddy found them just as horrid as she did.

"I mean what type of boy takes so much care of his hair?!" Demanded Lily.

"A homosexual one," agreed Severus. They spent about half an hour talking, when the trolley came around they bought nothing since none cared for candy. Everything was calm for another ten minutes than- BAM!

A loud array of voices broke out in the corridor, and a small boy resembling a rat ran into the compartment, arms flailing, tears streaming through his small watery blue eyes. He was gasping for air, shaking Lily clutching at his throat.

As a crowd arrived at the compartment in question. Lily recognized the Marauders at once and pointed them out to Snape, "there they are."

Snape gritted his teeth at them, then focused his attention at this curious scene. The boy was gasping and getting his back whacked, but nothing seemed to be helping. After that, everything seemed to pass in a flash.

He died.

"SICK!" screamed a violet eyed girl, who was ironically named Violet.

"I KNOW AWESOME!" Black shouted.

"WANNA BE BEST FRIENDS?" she yelled back.

"OK!" he yelled.

They both locked arms and skipped down the corridor.

This was Lily's first encounter with magical children. She thought they would be better than muggle kids. Oh how wrong she was.

Ending of Lily's first train ride to Hogwarts. Very eventful no?

-- . --

**A/N: Hey ppl! This is Prongs, So we are very honoured that you read our story & thanks to all those people who reviewed. And by the way this chapter is dedicated to Sincos.is.the.best for being the first to review.**

**GUESS WHOS BACK BACK BACK? BACK AGAIN GAIN GAIN?**

**PADFOOTS BACK BACK BACK. TELL A FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND **

**WOOTTTTTT**

**Ok ummm..this is my fault the chapter came so late. Because we wrote it like 3 months ago and I was to lazy to type, and prongs was out of the country. And I was watching EURO 2008 BABY!**

**I WAS RIGHTTTT SPAIN WON!**

**WHAT?!**

**WHAT?!**

**WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT**

**Ok thank you and I am sorry. I have a injured finger at the moment.**

**K the A/N is the eff eff its self . Pads and prongs don't shut up :D(this is padfoot and I'm still typing because RAVENCLAW BUBBLES wrote this on a paper so basically this :D is suppose to be a smiley face so yea)! Anyways oORaVeNcLaW.bUbBlEsO.o in the hizzouse. Anyways my dear friends suck at English (pffttt I don't. still me padfoot.) so imma edit it for them to make it legitimate. xD(another smiley) AISG, WHEN YOU'RE DONE REVIEWING, head over to my EFF EFF Wizards live messenger by clicking on these twos favourite stories. AND REVIEW THERE! **

**HERESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS PADFOOT!**

**Hehe**

**See you guys in like a while**

**And guess what?**

**We are almost done the next one.**

**And violet Is like a main character.**

**And she's cool**

**Like me**

**BYE!**

**REVIEWWWWWW**

**PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE**


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